


Learning the joy of dancing poorly

by HybrisAnaideia



Series: Survival is flexibility (and love is what you make of it) [2]
Category: Dreaming of Sunshine - Silver Queen
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Gardens, Dimension Travel, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Multi, Post Infinite Garden Shikakos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2020-12-21 04:43:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21069047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HybrisAnaideia/pseuds/HybrisAnaideia
Summary: The power of tears is not to be underestimated. They can beat a god, and even change the mind of a castaway.---Or, Shikako is in the wrong place at the perfect time.





	1. Survival is flexibility

Somedays he dreams he never saw the sun again. That he had fallen in Rain, fallen into the mud he hated so much because he felt like he could never be clean again- He never wants to think about Rain, especially not now.

His squad – who never trusted him but he was _responsible for –_ is dead from the ambush. His teammates have abandoned him, scattering to the winds. And after all his efforts, his greatest fear is coming true. He is going to die here. He is going to die here, alone, in the mud, and possibly missing a leg. He doesn’t know for sure if his leg is gone. He just knows he can’t feel it and that he can’t make his body move to actually see if he’s crippled.

The dark clouds he’s forced to stare at rumble, and Orochimaru doesn’t stifle the bitter laugh that leaks out. It’s like he never fucking _left_ Rain, and he hates it so much because Rain was hell, was the beginning of the end and-

A masked face blocks out the sight of the brewing storm, and for an instinctive moment, Orochimaru would do anything at all to keep them there. But the moment fades because he’s still a shinobi of Konoha, and he knows the active masks in ANBU. The Bat mask is not one of them.

The imposter makes a soft, surprised sound that even the voice-changing can’t disguise, and carefully wipes under his glaring eyes. If he had the energy to move, all he would need to do is bite and let his Summon-gifted venom glands keep them from taking him alive- “…You’re crying.”

Orochimaru wouldn’t stop the inhuman, enraged hiss even if he could. He is _not _crying, he never cries, and how dare the imposter even suggest it! His eyes only hurt because he’s _dying_.

“I’m going to bandage your leg before-” They paused in thought, long enough for the alarmed horror to catch on, “Before we move. This isn’t sanitary at all, and I’m not a qualified medic, but there is a war going on. Being exposed is probably bad.”

Orochimaru will snap their neck if they think they can drag him back to whatever rathole they had crawled out of; he absolutely will. Assuming they can keep him alive long enough to do it.

But after they’ve done whatever it is to his leg, they tilt their mask at his face in a disturbingly accurate imitation of ANBU body-language before announcing ominously “You can’t hold on for a piggyback.”

He hisses at them, louder and he refuses to admit with more alarm, as they gently lift him up like he’s an infant. It’s mortifying how weak it makes him feel, how his skin fairly tingles from being held, and- Orochimaru feels his throat constrict, silencing the hiss, as he got his first look of his leg.

“Shhhh, don’t cry. It’s okay, we’ll get you to someone who knows how to fix it.”

Orochimaru can’t even bring up the spite needed to hiss at their words, or how they adjust it so that his head is laying against their neck. He concludes that this imposter is an idiot. Why else would they keep saying he’s crying, put his mouth near their jugular, and be so…so _attentive_, as if they were really an ANBU!

“It’s alright, just rest.”

And as much as Orochimaru wanted to spit on the suggestion, any of their suggestions, the blood loss was getting to him. He felt so tired…

He’d kill them when he was able to move. Definitely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I'm making a collection of these sorts of things.


	2. Survival is acceptance

Wakefulness comes slowly, and something inside him makes him reluctant to wake up.

_(It’s warm…)_

It happens by stages, letting him slowly and drowsily note more things. First is the gentle tugging on his hair, a comb running through the tangled and matted mess. Next is the steady heartbeat under one ear, overlaid by calm humming. Finally, he noticed there was something in his mouth.

Wait. Something was in his mouth?

Orochimaru quickly opened his eyes as alarm ruined the slow awakening he was having, muscles tensing as his memory rushed back. The ambush, the mud, the rain, the impostor, he remembered it all now.

The modified voice rumbled, “Awake?”

Irritation and outrage flooded his veins as he took in the neck he had been laid against. They had held him in his sleep! What other liberties had they taken?!

“Thu-”

He snapped his mouth shut just as quickly as he had opened it at the slurred word, face flushing in a way he had been often told was ghastly. Unlike before, he had enough energy to raise his head and twist his torso to glare properly at the impostor, so he gave them his most venomous look in a demand for information.

“Sorry about that. I had to put balls of absorbent cloth on your fangs while you were passed out. You lost control of the venom and it was…Erm…Leaking.” 

Orochimaru could feel his face heat even more at their words, and he involuntarily dropped his gaze to look at where his head had been resting on her shoulder. An uneven, discolored, slightly singed patch was where his mouth had been. It perfectly matched the kind of damage his venom had done to clothing before.

He was both simultaneously profoundly grateful no one he knew was here, and wishing that he could either use earth jutsu to crawl into a hole or that the impostor was dead.

“I can take them out now, unless you’re feeling up to it?”

Orochimaru was definitely going to kill them. Even if they hadn’t taken him to either Cloud or Rock’s camps for interrogation, and had hidden them in this cave instead.

It took an annoying amount of effort to wave a hand negatively at the impostor, before bringing it to his own mouth. Orochimaru was aggrieved that he had to acknowledge they hadn’t lied; the cloth balls slid off his fangs easily. He crushed them in his hand, and a spark of the pitiful amount of chakra he currently had destroyed it. He couldn’t do anything about any venom the impostor might have collected while he was…indisposed, but he could ensure this wouldn’t fall into their hands.

“Who are you? What do you want with me, impostor?”

He took in their calm body language and how their heartbeat remained steady even as he hissed at them, while his mind began noting other details. His hair was completely combed out, free of mud and debris despite being unwashed. He was still wearing the clothing he had passed out in barring the portion the impostor had torn away from his maimed leg while bandaging it. And worst of all, he was draped across their lap while one arm wrapped around his back to keep him upright.

“Mmm, kind of a difficult question to answer and I want to take you back to Konoha. I don’t think there’s anywhere else that’s equipped or willing to treat your leg.”

He scowled at them, “What do you mean ‘it’s difficult?’ There’s no active Bat in Konoha, so don’t think you can fool me with that.”

It was very irritating that they were remaining so calm. He had gotten used to how everyone at least flinched when his voice became more serpentine than human.

They sighed, which Orochimaru narrowed his eye at. “Look, Orochimaru, I’m not going to bother with lying. You’re too smart to get fooled for long and it’ll just come back to bite me. I’m planning on…I guess you could call it repatriating.”

Flattering, but he wasn’t going to fall for cheap tactics like that. Even if it wasn’t a common thing for him.

They brought the hand that wasn’t supporting him and gripped their mask, making him widen his eyes in shock. Of all the things he had expected them to do, this had not been one of them. He was at their mercy, unable to run or fight, and they were…acting like an ally.

A pulse of chakra rippled through the air as they pulled it off, revealing a face that faintly resembled someone he must have seen once; he couldn’t place whose face theirs resembled, but he knew it would come to him. Their skin was lightly tanned, unscarred, with dark eyes to match the dark brown hair that was twisted up into pointed buns.

“Yo.” They, no, he now knew they were female with the modification missing, “I’m Shikako Nara. Nice to meet you, please take care of me.”

Orochimaru nearly choked on the irony of the statement. He was _definitely_ going to kill her as soon as he was ambulatory. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Venomous drool probably wasn't a hazard Shikako was expecting to ever deal with.


	3. Survival is cooperation

Orochimaru knew with sinking certainty, that he should have accepted his inevitable death and taken her down with him. He could have done it while he was positioned right next to her jugular and trachea. With venom that attacked the chakra system, causing it rupture outward from the injection site, there was little chance she would have survived.

Unfortunately, the longer he listened to her talk, the more certain he grew that killing her out of hand was not an option.

“I’ve been through at least eleven different dimensions, but I got stuck in the last for more than a decade. You see, sometimes the dimensions aren’t only slightly off, but _completely _and_ utterly _different_. _The one I got stranded in was set at least five thousand years from now, and humanity was spread across the universe. There was a war going on, against an alien threat that wanted to harvest us for chakra, all while there was the infighting of here.

Konohagure wasn’t a hidden village but a hidden _planet_ in the Fire controlled Sector, and there was no way I could fake any records. So, I wound up joining up with a, erm, "privateer" ship in order to find the correct planet…”

Thanks to his unsettlingly intimate contact with her, he knew she wasn’t lying. He could see her pupils, hear her breathing and heart rate, and none of them displayed the involuntary signs of lying. Orochimaru could only hope she was just a madwoman, but she was too distressingly coherent.

He looked down at the thin, discreet metal band situated just above his injury with a matching pair just below it. ‘Shikako,’ the supposedly transdimensional Nara, had stated it was keeping the injury in stasis via the “bounded field” the bands defined. Orochimaru wasn’t Tsunade, or even a decent medic, but even he knew enough to be dubious about that claim. If it was true though…

Damn her. His plans for her demise were ruined. So long as it turned out she was telling the truth.

“Why have we stopped moving towards Konoha.”

Shikako paused in her fantastical recounting of her travels, giving him a slightly dry look that earned her a glare in return “I need to carry you, and shadows don’t work very well at night. If there’s someone out there looking for you, it’s too risky to be traveling without a way to fight back.”

“I’ve recovered enough energy to switch to a-”

“Your legs can’t wrap around me like this. And jostling your leg is a bad idea.”

Orochimaru didn’t bother to hide his scowl.

“Then how do you expect to survive being apprehended at the gates? No one will believe your story, and there’s no one to vouch for you.”

She hummed in consideration, which was odd to feel vibrating in her chest; it reminded him that she was still holding him upright. He found it alarming how easy it was to forget just how closely she was holding him.

“I’m fairly confident I can handle it, but really, I want to…settle down. I miss having a home, and even if I can’t find mine, I…”

Orochimaru resisted the urge to squirm at the rawness he could hear in her voice. It…Emotions were not where his talents lay, as everyone had told him. So why did he feel like this?

“Sensei is a soft-hearted fool. I’m sure if you tossed that at him, he would give in eventually. Regardless of common sense.”

He refused to look at her, laying his head back down on her shoulder and closing his eyes.

“If you insist on waiting out the night, I am going to save my strength. Put out the lights.”

“…Thanks, Orochimaru.”

Orochimaru felt his face flush in embarrassment. He must definitely find a way to pay her back for all these liberties, even if biting was temporarily off the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Shikako can now add to her resume: Space Ninja Pirate


	4. Survival is fury

Orochimaru was deeply unhappy. First, he woke up tired and uncomfortable, shivering from a persistent chill. The tiny amount of energy he had recovered was gone now and he felt like he could sleep for a week. His throat hurt, his leg hurt, even his hair hurt. Not even clinging to the warmth of the Nara helped, even if it felt good to his cold body.

Something was wrong with him.

“Nara.”

He was forced to stop after he rasped out her name, coughing into her neck. It did the trick however, as Orochimaru could feel her jolt into awareness.

“Orochimaru? Damnit, you’re burning up. It’s not even dawn yet!”

Orochimaru sighed at that news. How much longer was it till then? He already felt miserable!

“Cold.” He complained bitterly into her neck, only to feel a hand begin to card itself through his hair.

“I’m sorry, it looks like we need to wait another hour.”

Too much! Much too much!

“_Cold._”

She sighed, removing her hand from his hair, before Orochimaru felt her carefully stand up without moving his position in her arms.

“Alright then. You understand it’ll be dangerous right?”

Orochimaru huffed indignantly into her neck. He was feverish, not delusional! He knew exactly what he was getting into by insisting they go now!

“Hurry.” He rasped, and she sighed again at him.

“We’re off then. Say goodbye to the nice, safe cave Orochimaru.”

Knowing she was being sarcastic, Orochimaru spitefully coughed out “B-bye.”

“…I can already tell you’re going to be a _great_ patient.”

* * *

Orochimaru wasn’t sure what was going on. He knew he was cold, in pain, and that he had a rock. It was a very nice rock, self-warming and self-moving. Somehow. He wasn’t sure how the rock was moving itself, but it made sense that he would have the superior rock.

He was the Snake Summoner! He had become well-versed in the quality of rocks suitable for laying on, thanks to his Summons, so of course he would know how to find the best rock for himself. Even if the rock was closer to holding him instead of something he was laying on.

And…what was he doing? Oh, right, he was singing. It’s been a long time since he’s sang, not since his mother’s funeral. But right now, even if he’s cold and hurting, he feels like it. Something about this rock feels safe; safe for singing even.

“Péi nǐ jiāng qíng jié gǎi xiě,” His voice isn’t anything like it used to be. But he thinks that’s reasonable since he’s fully grown now.

“Péi nǐ jiāng bā huāng zǒu biàn,”

The rock under his head vibrates, like it’s giving a startled laugh. What a strange rock he’s chosen, even if it’s a superior rock.

“Zhǐ yīn nǐ dú dé dǒng wǒ ér nǐ zhù ding-”

“Orochimaru, you’ve been singing the past hour now, but you might want to stop. We’re approaching the gates.”

Foolish rock. If he wants to sing, he’s going to sing. It’s been long enough that nothing is going to stop him unless he wants to!

“Shì wǒ de xīn tóu xuè!”

He keeps singing through the rock’s halfhearted protests, but once the rock stops moving many more voices start talking. His head hurts, don’t they understand that?! They’re not even being soft-spoken like the rock!

“Look, lady, if that’s really Orochimaru-sama then we need to get him to a hospital for treatment.”

“I _just_ said that you know.”

Orochimaru blearily opened his eyes to make out a blurred figure of a shinobi reaching their arm out at him. “Yes, now let go of him and you’ll be taken-”

Thief! Rock-stealing thief! Probably one from Iwa since he’s trying to steal Orochimaru’s rock!

He didn’t have much energy, but it didn’t take much to lunge at the offending hand with his mouth open and fangs extending. He was just about to bite the thief when a soft, cottony substance was suddenly in front of the hand and taking the bite for the thief.

“Well I can’t use that pillow again.”

“…I’m going to call some jounin to escort you, since Orochimaru-sama refuses to be separated.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sick chapter we all knew was coming, since Orochimaru *did* lay in the mud for who knows how long.   
• I picked a Chinese song since...Well, the jian had to come from somewhere!   
• His songs mostly came from his mother, who was fairly musical. Almost all of them are super emotional and/or dramatic. 
> 
> The translation of the (super incriminating) lyrics are:   
[With you circumstances are changed  
With you wilds and wastes are tread  
Because you understand me  
You are destined to be my heart's beloved!]


	5. Survival is control

After spending most of his life running as far away from death as he could, he now gets the appeal of it. Orochimaru thinks the idea of washing away the black marks of one’s history sounds _great _now. Death, reincarnation and Samsara, he’s all for it.

He never should have mocked the whole idea of becoming a monk. It not only would have saved Sensei a headache, but he’d still be allowed in the Fire Temple. Cultivating virtue, so that the next life doesn’t repeat this nightmare, sounds very reasonable now. He wonders if it’s too late to shave his hair, give up his hitai-ate, and join a temple.

“…I hate to interrupt this fascinating monologue, but this has gone on for way too long. It's been forty minutes and you’re still thinking aloud Orochimaru.”

No, he is _not_. There’s no one else here, he’s alone, and contemplating his choices because otherwise he has to think about…The events that happened.

No-one sighs loudly, and Orochimaru determinedly doesn’t think of where his head is laying. “Considering you’re still using me as a pillow-”

“Nara. Shut. Up.”

He does not want to think about what he did while delirious! He doesn’t!

“Orochimaru they haven’t even done…I’m not actually sure what their plan was beyond ‘Toss me in T&I.’ Whatever, they haven’t done it since you refused to let me go. And speaking of, you still haven’t let go of me.”

Does she have to remind him of this?! He’s aware that he’s using her lap as a pillow since they couldn’t make him let go of her! His memory is unfortunately fine!

“Knowing how shinobi gossip, the entire Village has probably heard of some version of the events by now.”

The idea that everyone knows…Orochimaru wishes he could reverse-summon himself, hide in one of the Snakes’ caves, and never, ever come back. Manda would try to eat him, but that would be perfectly fine. It’s not like Manda hasn’t tried before.

“Let’s see… You owe me _four _replacement pillows, one replacement reinforced-jacket from the cave, and we haven’t even known each other for a week yet.”

“You wouldn’t need new pillows if you hadn’t gotten in the way!” He hisses in enraged mortification, giving up his attempt to pretend she wasn’t there.

“I don’t think you’d be happy to know you’d lethally bitten four comrades. And that because you couldn’t be settled or confined, your leg went too long without treatment.”

“That-!”

He cut himself off with a wordless hiss, unable to argue. Despite the utter humiliation he feels right now, the results weren’t…bad. She had kept him from hurting anyone in confusion, and had allowed him to cling to her throughout the entire surgery in order to keep him calm.

Frankly, she was still letting him drape himself over her. Beyond getting up to go to the bathroom, she hadn’t left him. It was bizarrely considerate of the Nara and it unsettled him that she wasn’t just leaving him now it was inconvenient.

But even as mortified as he was, Orochimaru was forced to admit that there was a traitorous feeling of contentment at this; that even now, some very, very tiny part of himself still felt better having her in reach. It had to be a remnant of the fever. Or he got too familiar with her presence while in the cave.

It was like swallowing salt to grit out, “…Thank you. It would have been irritating to deal with the fallout if you hadn’t rudely shoved pillows into my mouth.”

She laughed quietly, “Feeling less like trying out a vegetarian diet?”

Damnit, just how much had he said aloud?

“I think you might have a habit. Or it could be because you’re still recovering?”

Orochimaru desperately grabbed at the few shreds of dignity he had left, and tried to coolly insist, “…Recovering.”

“Mmm. I’m glad your leg’s going to be alright Orochimaru.”

“Your device did most of the work, according to the surgeons.”

She shifted, and he almost wished he had the shamelessness to look up at her expression “It was only a stopgap…And, you know-”

That there was certainly ANBU listening in? Of course. Sensei never understood the value of privacy, not with how that damn ball enabled him. He still begrudges the Birthday Gift incident, where Sensei asked if he could have his present if he guessed correctly. Orochimaru had been confident he had succeeded in sneaking past Sensei, only for the nosy bastard to guess correctly. _Then_ he only confessed he had cheated via that damn ball _after_ he had his hands on the present Orochimaru had worked so hard on.

“They’ll be collecting me soon, now that you’re lucid.”

Wait, what?

“No.” Orochimaru said, curtly. He wasn't going to even entertain the idea.

She paused before drawling dryly, “I don’t think you’ll have a say?”

Orochimaru scoffed at that. He was the only Sannin in the damn Village, and Hatake had committed seppuku. They had no other S-Class, and Sensei was a soft-hearted fool when it came down to it. So long as he spoke up, there would be no attempts to disappear this Nara; regardless of what some might want.

“You think you can escape me? After the liberties you took? No, you’re not slipping out of this _Shikako._”

He could feel her twitch at her name. Orochimaru was aware he wasn’t the most capable at social matters, but he knew a thing or two about eternal, pig-headed stubbornness that demanded their way or nothing. His two teammates had taught him that at least.

“…Fine. Can we bathe then? I think I still can smell the mud on me.”

If his dignified reputation was in shreds, he might as well toss it to the side and seize hold of her. …Just as soon as he could stop flushing so hard his face felt like it was on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orochimaru: I want to Die.  
Shikako: Don't be dramatic. Also I'm going to have to go-  
Orochimaru: If you think I'm facing this alone, you're highly mistaken.


	6. Survival is a long reach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm...should I time skip?

Orochimaru could admit to himself, however reluctantly, that acting shameless was much harder than Jiraiya had ever made it out to be. He was ready to kill everyone in this room to silence the witnesses!

…Had he underestimated Jiraiya’s mental fortitude all these years? Orochimaru considered it for a second before dismissing the very idea. Jiraiya’s mental fortitude wasn’t any better than he had ever thought it to be because the man had never had a sense of dignity! There was no effort involved in being shameless when you didn’t have an inner Orochimaru screaming about how the Hokage was watching you sit on Shikako’s lap instead of the perfectly serviceable chair next to her!

“…Orochimaru-kun, thank you for your report.”

Orochimaru chose to ignore the expression on his sensei’s face. If the old man wanted to look like he was losing years of his life, that was his business!

“I already reported this, in detail, via a scroll two days ago. Was there any need to review it _now_? Instead of doing something useful with our time?”

He was also pretending not to see the warhawk hovering at Sensei’s shoulder, looking like a particularly gloomy cursed statue.

“There is the matter of your rescuer.”

“And the fact you’re perched on her lap.”

Orochimaru clamped down on the instinct to hiss at Danzo’s insinuations. Sensei did not like when he behaved too serpentine, despite the fact the Inuzuka growled all the time. And in order to drag Shikako into weathering the storm with him, he would need all the points he could get with Sensei.

“Shikako has also submitted a report, and she has filled out the paperwork for nukenin seeking asylum as it’s the closest we have for her situation.”

He looked Danzo in the eye as he slid an arm around her shoulders, feeling the near imperceptible vibrations in her chest. Orochimaru made a mental note to get her back for her unhelpfulness. He was giving it his all here! Did she not know how hard he was trying?!

And all of this was absolutely was part of his ploy to emphasize how close they were, how much they had _bonded_ while she was saving his life. Not because he had refused to walk with the wretched cast they had placed on his leg, thus needing to be carried here. And definitely not because he was finding he liked being carried! This was all part of his plan to tug on Sensei’s soft heart!

“I believe-”

Orochimaru glared at his sensei as that damn warhawk spoke up, not bothering to listen to his blathering. Before this meeting, he’d had a very neutral impression of the man. Danzo wasn’t exactly likable, but he at least seemed to be efficient. Orochimaru could have worked with efficient, but no, Danzo _wasn’t_ efficient.

What he was, was a pain in his ass!

How many times had the old man insinuated he was compromised, that Shikako was some sort of infiltrator, and all sorts of sordid things?! Did he think that he, Orochimaru, had the brainpower of Jiraiya?! Who the hell would bring home their attacker instead of murdering them?

He’d had to stop counting after three, least he give into the urge to just Summon a snake, and the third time was when Shikako was trying to explain the bounded field after Sensei asked her!

Oh, if only Danzo would come a little closer…Orochimaru was sure there would be no helpful pillows this time.

“Sensei.” Orochimaru held the image of Jiraiya and Tsunade in mind as he rudely and brazenly talked over Danzo, “We’ve written our reports and filled out the forms. What else do you need?”

Sensei was quiet as he stared at them, and Orochimaru found it oddly easy to meet that look. Most of the time he felt like Sensei was searching for something and finding it missing, but not this time. Sensei smoked on his pipe as Danzo kept…Orochimaru couldn’t be bothered to really listen to the warhawk, beyond the minimum needed to make sure he wouldn’t get surprised by the man’s ploys. However, he _definitely_ would be keeping count of all the insults he would need to pay Danzo back for.

“…Shikako Nara, you’ve been quiet so far. I want to hear it from you, why you want to join Konohagure. Not Orochimaru’s words; yours only.”

He could feel her inhale and exhale deeply, taking a moment to get her thoughts in order. It was really too bad he couldn’t look away from Sensei and that scum right now. If he didn’t need to watch their expressions in order to adapt his plan, he definitely would have found the courage to look at Shikako’s expression.

“Not to use Orochimaru’s words, but I did write down why I want to join. Even if you can’t bring yourself to believe how I came here Hokage-sama…I want a home. And Konoha is where I want to make my home.”

It was just his imagination that she squeezed him a little when she mentioned making a home, right? Right?!

“…” He sighed, “I think I’m starting to see how this all happened.”

Orochimaru was distracted from what might or might not have happened by Sensei’s ambiguous words, only to notice he was once again giving him a weird look. If you were going to be giving looks Sensei, he could point out someone in this room who was a better target than himself…

“Shikako, I want to run some tests to verify your blood claims and I want to have some experts go over the work samples you submitted. However, I’m willing to extend a temporary, limited citizenship so long as you remain within Orochimaru’s range of observation. You will be under surveillance-”

Orochimaru tried very hard not to look smug. He was quite sure he was failing miserably, but he didn’t care. He and Shikako had won, and Danzo had lost!

“Hiruzen-!”

“Danzo, _do not interrupt me again_.”

He savored the enraged expression that broke through Danzo’s mask of stoicism.

“As I was saying, you will be under surveillance and you will need to cooperate with the Intelligence department. After we’ve completed the investigation, we will revisit your citizenship and officially introducing you to the Nara clan. If, at that time, you wish to enlist as a kunoichi of Konoha I will be happy to instate you.”

Shikako’s posture didn’t relax, but he could feel a certain looseness flow through her at Sensei’s decision.

“Thank you Hokage-sama.”

“You’re both dismissed. Danzo, a word if you would.”

Orochimaru wouldn’t have minded watching Sensei tear into Danzo, but Shikako stood and quickly moved them outside.

“Did I not tell you he was soft-hearted?” He said smugly, finally looking up at her expression.

“I…I didn’t think he’d say yes.” She looked slightly stunned, but slowly a smile was working its way onto her face. It looked very nice on her, and Orochimaru finally lost the battle with his natural urge to blush at the thought.

“With my backing, how could he not? I am Orochimaru of the Sannin, and his student!”

She giggled at him, and Orochimaru hissed at her for it. “Thanks for having my back then. Now, where should we go? You’re dismissed from the hospital and-”

Orochimaru knew exactly where they should go, and didn’t hesitate to tell Shikako.

“We’re going to my estate of course. I need new clothing and you need to pick out a room.”

She blinked at him, almost as if she were stunned. Hah! As if she hadn’t figured out this beforehand.

“Your estate?”

“Yes! Where else would we go?”

“…Thanks Orochimaru. Anyways, do you want to walk now?”

Orochimaru had just finally gotten his blushing under control, when he was reminded that she was still carrying him. In public.

He now noticed how all the shinobi in the Tower were quite conspicuously pretending they couldn’t see them. They were terrible at it, but Orochimaru wasn’t going to call them on it. He was working on his shamelessness after all!

…He also was still banned from entering the Fire Temple.

“Are you trying to make an injured man walk Shikako?” He fired back quickly, determined to break through the mortification.

“Yes. You’re not that injured.”

“Take responsibility for your actions Shikako! Finish what you start.”

“Once is chance, twice is coincidence, thrice is habit.”

It _definitely_ would have been simpler to bite her. But he had to admit, some tiny part of him was pleased he hadn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was brought to you by the idea of Danzo turning purple while watching Orochimaru happily sit in Shikako's lap!


	7. A toad in the rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I start introducing some outside POV chapters, as many have asked for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°°˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°°˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°  
I HAVE FANART  
Zaro...if you see this....I love you and the art

Jiraiya really, really wanted to investigate why he had been getting weird looks from any Konoha shinobi he had run into for the last several months. Bad luck, missions, and everything else, had kept him from squeezing the ones he saw for information, but it was really starting to give him a headache. And maybe something of a complex.

He was a spymaster for heaven’s sake! He should have known whatever it was before he had ever seen the first shinobi!

But whatever it was that was causing the looks, it was either Konoha-centric or being kept very, very quiet. Maybe both, but Jiraiya couldn’t exactly go back to Konoha yet. Despite what his teammates thought of him, he wasn’t going to purposefully injury himself to try and satisfy his burning curiosity. At least not this time.

“Ssspeaking to Toady?”

Jiraiya did not squeal like a small child at the sudden surprise of a snake poking its head out of his dirty underwear pile. He absolutely did not do that, or try to kill it with a brace of kunai. Jiraiya had been violently trained out of this instinctive reaction by Orochimaru by the time he was 14, and he would never let even a hint reach his teammate that his conditioning needed upkeep.

“Toady is awake, I know this.”

It also didn’t hurt that only one of Orochimaru’s snakes called him Toady. Despite how many times he had protested to Orochimaru about her calling him this.

“Chatannakiri, what are you doing here? In my underwear pile?”

“Toady was crying over Sluggy and vomiting when I got here, so I took a nap.”

This is why Jiraiya hated dealing with Orochimaru and Orochimaru’s Summons. They never let a man pretend that he hadn’t done something embarrassing in their presence.

“I have a messssage for you from the Summoner. Can Toady take it now?”

“Yeah, yeah, I can take it now. Do you need a moment or did you-?”

The snake retreated within the underwear pile for a moment, before slithering out with a small scroll clasped in her mouth. He took it from her carefully, always remembering the one time he had been rough with the messenger snake before; his hand twanged with phantom pain. He broke the seal and unrolled it, skimming through the terse letter.

To Jiraiya’s surprise, Orochimaru directly admitted he had been severely injured in the first couple of lines. He had already heard of it and had the guilty drinking over not being there for Orochimaru, but he hadn’t expected the frosty bastard to ever admit it. In fact, the more he read the higher his eyebrows climbed in shock.

Orochimaru was never this open, even in person with perfect privacy. Here he was, openly ranting and complaining about being forced to wear a cast, the idiocy of their fellow Konoha shinobi, and…Jiraiya reread the lines carefully to see if he had read that correctly. When the hell did Orochimaru start despising Shimura this much?

Jiraiya hadn’t been back to Konoha for a while now, but, he would have remembered if Orochimaru had completely reversed his opinion of the creepy adviser. “Hey, Chatannakiri, do you know what’s up with Orochimaru’s new hate for Danzo?”

The snake hissed at the name, before she gave him a very judgmental look for a species with no eyebrows or facial expression. It made him feel like Orochimaru was staring at him once again, which was a terrible habit for his Summons to have picked up.

“Toady is free ranging, hopping in the sssake and rain. You don’t want to know about Konoha.”

Ouch.

“Chatannnakiri, come on, you know I’m working-”

“ ‘Oh hime! Why didn’t you talk with usss? Why didn’t you come to me?’ ” The snake repeated in a mocking falsetto, and Jiraiya really, really felt grateful he had landed the Toad Contract. They wouldn’t do this to him.

“That’s below the belt Chatannakiri.”

“You don’t have a belt.”

He fucking hated snakes. And he hated Orochimaru for choosing _this _snake as his messenger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orochimaru names all his favorite snake summons (the ones who aren't used as mass canon fodder) after famous swords. Thus, Chatannakiri! And more to come!
> 
> Chatannakiri exaggerates her hissing to irritate Jiraiya ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	8. A viper on the wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Outside POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Being the third wheel sucks doesn't it?

Agent Viper would give almost anything to trade missions with another ANBU agent. The only thing they would hesitate on would be their koto and their genin team photo, but the longer this mission is dragging on the more likely they are to offer up those as well (that’s a lie. They’ll never give up those while they’re alive.)

“Orochimaru…Why is there heating pads all across the living area?”

The primary person of observation settled down on the couch like a mass of living blankets, nestling into position before a notebook emerged from the blankets.

“It’s cold Shikako; too cold. My Summons need the heat or they’ll be using us as heating pads.”

The Snake Summoner had immediately leapt up from his spot by his desk when Shikako had wandered in, but Viper was aggrieved to see he was once again pretending to be nonchalant as he quickly made his way to the blankets concealing Shikako. Orochimaru imperiously sat down beside her, muttering something too low for Viper to make out at this distance

“I’ll let the assumption that I’d play heating pad to a bunch of Snake Summons slide, because I have a better thing to ask. If you have _this many _pads, why did you insist I had to provide you with warmth?”

“They aren’t sufficient for my needs, and you should be grateful this counts against your rent.”

“Orochimaru, you hissed at me when I offered to pay.”

“Shut up Shikako.”

“If you wanted to cuddle-”

The man Agent Viper was watching hissed as loudly as their code name.

“-Then you only have to ask. I’m just reviewing my notes.” The other person they were observing said calmly, completely unaffected by the man at her side.

Orochimaru seemed to visibly struggle with his emotions, face twisting in that embarrassed offense that had become depressingly familiar, before he got over himself and slid into the opening Shikako had created within her nest of blankets. From the way the man relaxed so quickly, he was quite pleased with his situation.

Viper wanted to be sick at this display of domesticity. How was this their life? They were aware that the duo didn’t precisely _know _who was their observer, but Viper was really starting to feel like they were dying.

How many times did they have to remind Viper they’d had no luck in dating?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agent Viper eventually conned Agent Cat into taking their shift on observing the duo. Agent Viper then managed to find and go on a lovely date, only to have to dodge an assassination attempt from Cat the next day. Cat had had no better luck in dating than Viper had before yesterday. The ANBU Corps begin to feel a "spring awakening" after this, as a tradition quickly sprung up of duping the next "eternally single" Agent into taking on this mission. Superstition held that the newly freed Agents would then finally have some romantic luck, but only so long as they managed to avoid taking on the mission again.
> 
> Sarutobi has yet to decide on whether or not to laugh or cry at this, so he isn't acknowledging the entire thing at all.  
Orochimaru and Shikako are blissfully unaware of any of this, or the idea that they're dating.


	9. A monkey wants to retire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made the executive decision to time skip, because there's not much about war that's...humorous. Also I've got a new obsession, hence why this took so long.

Sarutobi Hiruzen felt too old to handle this. This was not a new sensation, or even an infrequent one. However, it lately seemed like Orochimaru was intent on aging him straight out of the office. Ever since he had allowed the Nara who saved his life to become a resident of Konoha, Orochimaru had changed for the better… and more aggravating.

Hiruzen now dreaded having to listen to the in-depth ANBU reports of Shikako Nara’s observers. It would have been one thing if she had just become a friend to Orochimaru, or even that she encouraged him in his more troubling scientific aims. But no, nothing so benign. Every day it was more of the same, sickeningly sweet-yet-ambiguous actions that reminded him he hadn’t actually been able to spend meaningful private time with his wife in… He actually couldn’t remember, which was not a good sign. 

On top of it, there was the acute, overwhelming mortification for his student’s ongoing attempts to seduce Shikako Nara. Orochimaru was getting _nowhere_, despite a year’s worth of effort and reports he forced his poor sensei to suffer through. He’d been seriously considering taking his student aside, and offering to secretly set him up with remedial lessons from one of their seduction specialists, until today.

“Orochimaru, please tell me this was a poorly executed prank on you.”

He tossed the dangerous scroll to his student like the lit explosive tag it metaphorically was, and hoped.

“This is my marriage license. I see nothing wrong with it Sensei.”

Hiruzen breathed in. Hiruzen breathed out.

“Orochimaru. Are you telling me you’ve convinced Shikako Nara, who only received her citizenship yesterday, to marry you?”

His student scoffed at him with an undeserved haughtiness, because Hiruzen was agonizingly aware of how much of a romantic disaster Orochimaru was. 

“Of course! We both agreed the legal benefits of marriage are worth it, plus it’s best to ensure Shikako’s custody rights and that the baby will be legitimate.”

It had been months since he’d felt the urge to scream. The last time was when his ANBU had reported Danzo had died in his home, due to triggering a heart attack while fornicating with an unpotted shrub’s roots. The subsequent discovery of ROOT’s continued existence, and the children, had been what had last given him this urge.

“I allowed you to adopt several of the orphaned children-”

“Like you could have stopped me Sensei.”

Hiruzen reminded himself that Orochimaru had shown incredible recovery since he had brought Shikako home. That he’d even opened up his home to several of the ROOT orphans, officially adopting them into his Clan. Most importantly, his beloved student literally was physically incapable of being strangled thanks to his Soft Physique technique.

“You’ve adopted several children very recently, all of whom need a great deal of attention and care. And… you’ve decided to somehow convince Shikako Nara to carry you child?”

Orochimaru gave him a scornful look. “Of course not! Shikako most certainly isn’t carrying my child; she’s simply contributing her aid to the gestation chamber.”

He truly did not want to know what that meant. However, as Hokage…

“Orochimaru…Explain.”

“It’s all scientific sensei! I’ve designed a way for children to be conceived and carried to term outside the human womb, which I’m sure will be very popular with the kunoichi.”

Why hadn’t he retired before the war broke out? He could have forced one of the candidates to take up the Hat, and never have had to hear this. Or about Orochimaru’s pitiful attempts at seduction.

“Orochimaru, as one of the only candidates for Yondaime-”

“Don’t you have your bouncy yellow boy? Use him.”

He tried to reconcile Minato Namikaze with “bouncy yellow boy.” Hiruzen felt a familiar pressure begin to build behind his eyes, and decided that Orochimaru had a point. _Minato_ could be the one dealing with this nonsense, instead of Hiruzen.

“If I ever hear you complain about getting passed over for Yondaime after this Orochimaru,”

“Sensei, please.”

Hiruzen talked right over Orochimaru’s hypocritical objection, because his student would have thrown the most outrageous fit a year ago. “I will personally assign you to permanently guard our Daimyo.”

Ah, blissful silence. It was good to know how to threaten your impertinent students with fates they consider to be worse than mere torture.

“Now, have you decided on a name yet?”

“I’ve suggested Sanchoumaru and Chiyoganemaru, but Shikako says the baby shouldn’t be named like my snakes. After I pointed out how unoriginal her name is, Shikako suggested Juzumaru…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I *was* going to do an on-screen chapter of Orochimaru plotting out his glorious revenge on Danzo. Then I decided I didn't want to give Danzo even that modicum of dignity.
> 
> And yeah, Shikako's now voting for the name of a famous sword of a *Buddhist monk* after Orochimaru insulted her name. She never is gonna let him live down his desire to run away and join a monastery to avoid his shame.


	10. A flash in a meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are the Naruto ages? Do I know? Does the author?

Minato Namikaze had pictured achieving his dream going rather differently. Not to say that he was ungrateful to the Sandaime for giving him this chance! No, no, he still very much wants the Hat. But he hadn’t anticipated the… scope of things the Hokage oversaw.

Yes, that was a nice, diplomatic way to put having to deal with this situation.

He _had_ hoped as Kakashi got older and bonded with his team more, he’d mellow out. Though Minato had to give the young jounin the fact he had stopped quoting the rulebook, he’d really been hoping Obito’s attitude would help to grind down the harshness. It hadn’t, hence why his first day as “Hokage-in-Training” was now utterly derailed by a wrathful Orochimaru and an unamused Shikako.

The Sannin in question was thankfully sitting on his wife’s lap, being held back from trying to leap at Kakashi’s throat again. It had been a close call, thanks to the sacrifice of a pillow Shikako had procured from somewhere, but Kakashi had learned to keep well out of the Sannin’s immediate reach.

“Kakashi-kun, now that we’ve all calmed down, please explain why you thought it was a wise idea to chase young Sesshoumaru-kun across the village.”

Minato had thought better of his young student. Honestly, chasing the kid to his _home? _Where Orochimaru was effectively nesting over his soon to be born child? It was enough to actually wonder if the promotion had been too hasty, even if Obito and Rin didn’t have any serious complaints under his leadership now.

“He attempted to break my legs sensei.”

Well, he hadn’t expected that. He eyed the tiny, glasses wearing, white haired kid who the Hospital treated somewhere between an adored pet and treasured prodigy, then eyed his teenaged jounin. Minato would like to dismiss the possibility of the tiny kid doing it, but he remembered the vicious little child Kakashi had been. It really was pure luck he’d eventually stopped biting people.

“Sesshoumaru-kun?”

Minato determinedly ignored the loud hiss Orochimaru gave at him daring to question his darling adoptive son, and watched as the kid petted his Nidaime inspired fur mantle. Despite often being told he looked like a naïve idiot, he was acutely aware of the fact that no shinobi child was to be trusted if they were looking so innocent. And little Sesshoumaru was more shinobi than many adult chunin, as he very well knew thanks to the Sandaime reading him into the ROOT debacle.

“Hatake-san was trying to sneak out of the hospital before being given clearance. Father said that if the idiots won’t remain in place for their own good, I should ensure they stay and have plenty of time to consider their foolishness.”

He tried not to feel betrayed when Shikako gave a choked laugh, as she was his only hope for an ally in this situation.

“Sesshoumaru-kun that was-”

“-Completely the correct response. Tsunade would approve, so long as you were going to ensure the breaks healed correctly.”

Minato was having flashbacks to when Iwa surrendered, because Orochimaru had been very vocal on the side of destroying the “thieving Iwa scum who covet all that’s good in life.” Shikako had been his ally then too, but she looked to have turned traitor in this.

“Orochimaru, what have you been teaching Sesshou-chan? He’s not up to handling the retaliation from testy jounin like Kakashi-bou.”

Definitely not on his side but, even as he notes how Kakashi does a full body twitch at that _particular _suffix, Minato has to hope she’s not on Orochimaru’s side in this. Considering Orochimaru wants blood for this, he really, really hopes she’s not on her husband’s side.

“…Shikako, it’s only sensible-”

“Sesshou-chan isn’t a jounin yet, and you know this. I’m very disappointed in you.”

Oh. Oh no. Is this a fight? Minato has no desire to see Orochimaru have a fight with his wife, absolutely not.

It doesn’t help this is the first time he’s genuinely seen the Sannin stricken.

“Shikako…”

“We’ll talk later, since Sesshou-chan was clever enough to lead Kakashi-bou to us.”

Minato takes one look at this brewing disaster and decides, if Kakashi provokes Orochimaru with his smugness, he can bail himself out of the beatdown. Shikako will keep her husband from killing or maiming his student.

* * *

Minato is about to finish up his first day as Hokage-in-Practice, when ANBU Rat appears. “Minato-sama, I have the report for today.”

What? He has another report?

“Which report is that, Rat?”

“The observation report on Shikako Nara.”

…Minato has a very, very bad feeling about this. Come to think of it, had the Sandaime been a little _too _happy to let him start so quickly?

“Let me begin Minato-sama, today the target-”

* * *

After the two-hour report is done, Minato wonders for the first time in his life if the Hat is worth it. Why did he need to know how Sesshoumaru got his name? (Shikako had suggested it as a joke for the baby, but the little ROOT agent had decided it was the perfect name for a medic who wanted to make his own identity. Apparently she had given the kid the fur mantle this morning, as “fitting for his name.”) Why did he need to know in excruciating detail of how Orochimaru was trying to seduce his own wife? (Why did he still _need _to seduce her?!) Why did he need to hear about how the new family had been taking a communal nap, and that Hoemaru had demanded Orochimaru to sing them to sleep?

_Why_?

**Why?**

** _Why!?_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shikako: How about "Killing Perfection" as a name?  
Orochimaru: It's not a sword but-  
baby!Kabuto: I claim it!
> 
> The ROOT kids have all, barring "Sesshoumaru", taken on sword names. Because they felt it was truly being adopted into the clan to get a name, and they frankly didn't have names to begin with. They are, at least, selecting their names themselves. The kids are: Sesshoumaru, Hoemaru, Hizamaru, Onimaru, and Ishikirimaru.
> 
> Obito and Rin live! Shikako had a hand in that, thanks to having gotten a shadow clone work around. Kannabi was handled super easy thanks to that. Kakashi hasn't changed much since they're alive though, so our lovingly quirky and traumatized Canon Kakashi is KOed. Obito is shit outta luck about Rin. He won't ever get her to date him. Period.
> 
> Kakashi earned "Kakashi-bou" since he's...well...Like this. And he has the funniest reaction to it. Shikako has had enough Kakashi-senpais to go with Kakashi-sensei to enjoy screwing with people sometimes.


End file.
